How to explain the facts of life
Advice for parents and carers, from an article in The Times
Kids may be bombarded with sexual images, but when it comes to understanding sex, they need information and guidance.
Dr Jane Collins
With David Kesterton, Project Manager, Speakeasy (fpa's course for parents on talking to children about sex and relationships).
A lot has changed over a couple of generations. Children are more sophisticated and often more aware of the latest music and fashions than we parents, and certainly their grandparents were, as children. From the early years they’re surrounded with sexual images (usually bare flesh rather than relationships), particularly through the media, advertising and, for older children, the internet. These are impossible to avoid.
But when it comes to what they actually understand about sex, it’s a very different matter. It’s easy to think they know more than they actually do. Children are more than ever in need of accurate information and guidance. This will give them the confidence to make the right choices at the right times as they grow up. They, in turn, will feel more able to discuss these issues with any children of their own.
Don’t children learn about sex at school?
All children will receive some sex education both at primary and secondary school. The biological aspects of reproduction are a mandatory element of science in the national curriculum, and are taught from Key Stage 1 onwards.
But teaching on other issues including relationships and making choices is not compulsory. Some schools cover these areas really well but others barely scratch the surface. An Ofsted report two months ago found there had been limited improvement in sex education generally in schools over the last five years.
So parents have a key role to play. Studies show that most children say they would like to hear about sex and relationships from their parents as well as at school. Questions are more likely to arise at home in response to something a child may have heard or seen. And we know our children best.
Will knowing about sex encourage children to try it out earlier themselves? No. Very strong evidence from studies around the world proves the opposite. Having this information is more likely to make children feel they don’t need to experiment at an early age in order to learn.
While parents’ views of sex and sex education might vary according to religious and cultural backgrounds, learning about these issues is important for every child.
What’s the best approach?
Being open and honest is important from the earliest age. Don’t bother with tales of gooseberry bushes or storks. They might be convenient explanations but when your child finds out what does happen he or she is less likely to trust you for reliable information if you have spun a yarn in the past.
Also avoid a formal ‘sex talk’. It’s better to let your child take the lead. Your attitude is as important as your answer. The way you respond to questions from your child, even when they’re as young as two or three, will set a pattern. Try to keep the atmosphere receptive, warm and relaxed and you‘ll create an environment where these issues can be talked about openly.
What’s the best age to start talking about this?
There isn’t a ‘magic age’. Most parents find the time comes naturally when the child starts asking. As soon as children can talk, they’re likely to start asking questions about their bodies and noticing differences between themselves and other people’s bodies.
It may be useful to have some responses ready. These need to be age-appropriate, for instance, a five year-old will probably be satisfied by hearing a baby is made by a mummy and a daddy and grows in mummy’s tummy. You don’t need to go into detailed biological explanations.
If a question comes at a tricky moment, for instance when you’re in the supermarket, you could say ‘That’s a good question! Let’s talk about it later’. Remember to discuss it as soon as you can, perhaps on the journey home.
Sometimes, starting school is the point at which children come home with new words and questions - they might have heard things in the playground. If you feel shocked by words or expressions your child is trying out, try not to show it. Stay calm and use it as an opportunity for a discussion.
If your child hasn’t asked questions by the age of eight or nine, you could try investing in a book or getting hold of some leaflets that explain the facts of life in simple terms. Leave them around in the hope that your child will open them and you can use this as a springboard for discussion. Talking about how you learned yourself is also often a good starting point with older children.
What happens when you’ve imparted the information?
For many parents, the next stage is more difficult. Teenagers in particular often like to appear as though they know everything. In reality they may know the facts, but often do not understand relationship issues and how to resist pressure from peers or partners. So talking about these issues should be an ongoing process. As children grow, girls tend to be more knowledgeable than boys. Girls’ magazines are often good sources of information and tackle some of these issues head on. But they can be dominated by fashion and celebrity, sending out messages that can affect children’s body image and self-esteem in a negative way. Boosting your children’s confidence and getting them to feel good about themselves is really important.
Storylines in soaps can also often be useful. You could use them to initiate discussions around: ‘What did you think of that person’s behaviour? How is the other person feeling?’
How much freedom should I give my child?
The area of exercising control is tricky too. Asking questions about where they are going, who they will be with, what they are doing, when they will be back and how you can get in touch can often get a frosty reception from teenagers. Sometimes, and most difficult of all, you will have to say no. In fact teenagers do usually like boundaries and need them. They’ll also get the message that you care about their welfare and this has been shown to reduce high risk behaviour.
Peer pressure is powerful at this age and a key part of parenting is helping your child to realise this, and to have the confidence and self-esteem to resist it at the right times.
In summary
Don’t rely on sex education lessons at school; parents have a key role to play in advising and guiding children on sex and relationships through childhood and into the teenage years.
(From the Times online)
Further information
To find out more about Speakeasy in Cornwall, go to Speakeasy, email Mandy Lancaster, Speakeasy Development Worker, or call her on 01209 313419. For a copy of fpa's Talking to your child about sex and relationships call 0845 122 8690 or contact us.
Sex worth talking about
The NHS has based its campaign "Sex worth talking about" on an evidence review that shows that improving young people’s knowledge and talking more openly about sexual health and relationships before sexual activity is the most effective way of encouraging safer sexual behaviours. Sex worth talking about is designed to explain all aspects of sexual health to teenagers and young adults and here is the associated leaflet for parents.
